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I’m an avid gamer, arguably to a fault. My report card results have suffered dearly because of this fact, but my personal war on crippling boredom can’t be won without a bit of collateral damage on the side so my future career options in science, engineering, mathematics or even a fucking cashier position have been buried and bulldozed over, and I couldn’t be happier. Yet with all this newfound free time, there are still a few games that I haven’t completed yet, be it for personal reasons, health reasons, or a simple case of couldn’t-be-arsed. These are the few that got away.

Any Final Fantasy game – Given the freedom to do anything, I tend to do nothing. Melodrama and perfect hair is just salt on the wound. XIII is the trained monkey who dances on my grave, the screechy little fuck.

Fallout 3 – It’s boring enough to tour DC in real life. A nuclear holocaust hasn’t changed that much for me.

Killer7 – At this point, I should know better. I owe it to myself to crank away at this one for a few more hours and so should you. Suda51 can hang out at the dapperchaps lunch table any day, provided he shares his Gushers.

Okami – …but if I beat it, the story will end. When it happens, a single tear will stream down my manly cheek…

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim – …there’s a story mode in this game? Huh.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 – Just…no more. Please.

Kengo: Legend of the 9 – Ever hear of that one? Neither did I. Lasted me 5 minutes before I snapped the disc in half.

Batman: Arkham Asylum – Bottle that rage. Had to sell my copy to help pay a cell phone bill. Bite your lip while I go borrow my roommate’s copy.

Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door – Either that final boss is really hard, or I just really suck.

Now my summer is cut out for me. WIsh me luck.


Mr. MoonGoat