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For all of those who don’t wish to read about my crappy weekend, I suggest you turn away now. go hold your loved-ones close. Go play a game of catch with your dog. Go start on that Lord of the Rings marathon you have been putting off for shitty reasons. You know you want to. I mean….just look at the precious.

For those brave bored souls who wish to read on, prepare for a tale of woe unlike any you have ever experienced before, unless you’ve seen Old Yeller or something like that.

Ok, first a bit of back-story. I haven’t had a girlfriend for about 5 years now. I’m not asking your pity on this one, I just really haven’t tried. If I had been trying for 5 years and still no result, then yes….boohoo. I just didn’t bother with it all because I never really found anyone that made me feel flustered and happy inside, until quite recently. Long story short, this girl loves Scott Pilgrim, Monty Python, and she has red hair. She’s adorable and funny and when I try to talk to her I get extremely nervous.

So while I am sharing this with one of my roommates (who is being quite supportive and happy for me) my other roommate chimes in and says that it probably doesn’t mean anything as she was “flirting with him all night.” Way to take the wind out of my sails. Whatever. I power on, and try to keep talking to her. My one roommate continues to be supportive, my other keeps pointing out problems.

Last night was were it got bad. I got back from watching the Avengers again. I decided to friend her on Facebook. My roommate yells out “It doesn’t matter! Kyle already asked her out. She said yes.” A crushing blow, but i decided to continue adding her anyway, at which point facebook kindly notifies me that the one real girlfriend I had in highschool is getting engaged.

Now. I don’t feel much emotion in the area of lovey-dovey things, but the two combined kinda made me die a little inside. So when drinking occurred later, and we played a game called “drink or text” (the members of the group exchange phones, and threaten to send a text to a random person, and if the owner of the phone doesn’t want the text to be sent, they take a shot.) and one of my friends texted my mother telling her I was gay.

When I wake up the next day, I see that I have several missed calls, and my family has been trying to get me to call them back all morning. My mom is crying telling me she thought it was real and that i killed myself from the shame of coming out, when in reality, i had been SLEEPING. The worst part of it all is my entire family pretty much bought it, hook line and sinker.

So yeah…it hasn’t been that great of a day.

-Colonel Narwhal