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For me personally, Thanksgiving is less about the family or the food or mowing people down at the mall and more about getting the fuck away from Richmond, enjoying premium cable and restocking on shampoo, Q-tips and vodka Juicy Juice. But this year was different. My sister is a homeowner now and she wanted to have the family over for the feast and the first thought that went through my mind is “Dammit, I have to sleep on the couch, don’t I?”

Actually I ended up on the floor. No way I’m sharing the couch with my sister because her feet smell and I can’t fall asleep until 5 AM which is only exacerbated when your mattress is 4 or 5 blankets and a sleeping bag.

So much for the usual plan. Now I’m going to get my revenge for having my dream break torn away from me and go out and splurge on a copy of Pokemon Black Version 2 with money that should be spent on supplies and food. Take that responsibilities and smart thinking!

If you know any of us Dapper Chaps in real life (we hope you don’t) you will know that most, if not all of us are 20-something year old manchildren, if that was not blatantly obvious from our usual topics of discussion like drinking or tits. And to really drive the message home, we’re all huge Pokemon buffs who can recite the entire Generation I backwards in Japanese while balancing a Pikachu glass on our foreheads. Being the only writer here who never learned to grow the fuck up and get a proper job, I still buy all of the newly released games in the main series (Fuck off Trozei) so yesterday I finally got a fresh copy of Black 2, ordered pizza, locked my door, and started my journey…again.

Maybe I haven’t noticed this yet, or maybe this is just an issue with these two games, but this game holds your fucking hand until blood is cut off to your fingers and they shrivel off. I’ve lost count of how many times NPCs have just given me Poke Balls rather then let me whoop some preschooler’s ass with a flaming pig, steal their cash and go buy my own. As soon as i got into Castelia, I was handed a bike. No strings attached. I was flabbergasted. At least let me pimp slap some Plasma grunts first and make me feel like I deserve it! We won’t appreciate our nice equipment until we’ve jumped through some hoops first!

The production value of the game has changed a bit. We saw these changes in Black and White 1 as well. Opening scene of a new game, “Game Freak Presents” shown across the screen, zoom in to the player character’s house etc. With a greater emphasis put on the story, the writing has to be of a higher caliber which makes me sad because this writing kinda totally fucking sucks. I know it’s for kids but that’s not an excuse to be bad at your job, Game Freak writer! You don’t need to write like Fitzgerald, but on the flipside don’t write this game like a twat. No, instead I’d rather see a Kafka-esque setting for the next big Pokemon game because you’d have to be pretty insane to want to “catch ’em all” when at that point the number would be at least 800. A Bukowski take would be nice too, but that’s shooting for the stars.

Like I said, I know these games are marketed to a younger demographic, but do children really need the game to played for them? I wouldn’t know, haven’t been in the company of 10-year olds for a long time and I would very much like the keep my distance from those little shits. I think they curse more than I do and that’s pretty fucking despicable.

In the end, Pokemon at it’s core is still fun for me. I mean, I’m playing it right now while I’m writing this (Yeah, I type with my toes because I’m THAT AWESOME) but I just wish   we could all just go back to Red/Blue era where the story was “Here is a monster. There are some bad guys. Go play.” But this is where we are right now. Maybe it’s a sign I need to stop playing these games but FUCK THAT. What else would I play on my DS? Okay, Metroid.

Signed,

Mr. MoonGoat

YOU WON’T BE LAUGHING AT MY ICE CREAM WHEN IT WRECKS YOUR PET DRAGON’S FACE!! 

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